Redefining Stress

Before I got sick (I use that phrase far too often these days), I defined stress as having too much on my plate with not enough down time. I defined it only by stating what it was not.
Reading is not stressful.
Gardening is not stressful.
Sleeping is not stressful.
Watching TV is not stressful.

When people assumed that I was "stressed out," I would often calmly agree that I had too much stress in my life. The phone call from a kid who was making poor life choices, the deadline for a project that I didn't think was worthwhile but wanted to perfect anyway, the friend who called to vent about a recent breakup and the hours and hours and hours in a classroom setting were, to me, prime examples of stress-inducing situations.

But when people (not doctors) started asking if stress could have caused my disease, or could cause a relapse, my back rankled at the thought. Because all of those stress-inducing situations are things I enjoy doing as long as I'm well rested. When the literature about nephrotic syndrome read that stress could cause a relapse I sank into a deeper depression than I'd ever experienced. Give up stress? That means giving up all the good things in my life that have just been 'on hold' since my kidneys "crapped out" on me. (Patrick's words, not mine)

For weeks, I held out hope of finishing my classes at Pepperdine with my classmates. That hope was dashed, but I had other goals. Maybe I'd be healthy enough to take my girls to Young Life camp at the end of June. Scratch that: I've never been to camp and not come back sick and exhausted. Certainly, by May I would be driving myself to and from school, with plenty of energy to pour into friends and kids. It's mid-May and I'm neither behind the wheel nor bouncing with energy.

Okay. So life doesn't go back to normal quickly. I think I might be able to grasp this. According to my Nephrologist, (kidney specialist) my Prednisone taper will end on September 5th, 2008. How in the world am I supposed to live until September without being in stress-inducing situations? Avoiding stress seems like a good way to avoid relapse, so I'll just continue my hermit status until September.... or not. Instead, I think I'll actually take the medical definition of stress, which, thankfully, is more of a definition of what stress is, than what it is not.

Stress is the body's reaction to daily wear and tear, to change, to danger, to an immediate threat.

Short-term stressors are things like noise, crowding, hunger, illness, danger, infection, isolation. Things that, two-hundred years ago, would be cause for alarm and hopefully make a sane human being run for cover.

Long term stressors are things like:
Difficult work/personal environments (Okay, I don't really see anyone except my family, Physical Therapists, Professors, and the 6 people in my summer-term classes--significantly less stressful than all the before sickness stuff)
Loneliness (hrmmm, odd that the loneliest 3 months of my life would also be the months I was supposed to avoid loneliness)
Long-term illness (wait a second, if the illness is causing me stress, and stress can cause the illness and the illness is.....aahhhhh)
Difficulty sleeping-- (Dear Prednisone, I hate you.)

And then there are some others, like having a kid or moving to a new house, both of which I hope are far, far down the road for me. But that's beside the point. (What was the point again?) Oh, yes. Redefining Stress. Which is why I started this post in the first place. Because I don't want to be afraid that everything I'm going to do this summer, every person I care about or activity I attempt is going to make me sick again. Because I want to declare to the internet that I refuse to be ruled by stress. Because I think the big stresses of being sick and lonely and tired need to be balanced out. Because I want to live my life as a daughter of Grace rather than Fear.

I don't think my schedule caused this whole thing, but I know for sure that my stress-reducing activities are enjoyable, and when I go back to "normal" life, I want more time for them. It's not selfish to spend less time on other people, to sleep instead of perfecting a project or to make sure that I surround myself by people who don't leech my energy. It's just sanity. And because I am still incapable of defining stress without defining it by what it is not, I'll end with this. Stress is not sane. It is not conducive to a healthy frame of mind or body. It is not without benefit (bursts of energy etc.) but it is not a good way to live. In my current life, with fewer responsibilities or deadlines than I've had since I was 12 years old, I am more "stressed" than I've ever been:

.......And I still haven't relapsed.