Notice

I'm officially tired of being sick. As it is impossible to take a vacation from one's body, I am going to take a break from researching all the possible things that have/are/could be going wrong with my body. I'm tired of reading medical journals and message boards, e-zine articles and drugs.com. I've read the blogs of people who are also in chronic pain or suffering from debilitating diseases. I've read more complaints about how prednisone makes people gain weight and look fat than I care to mention. I've spent countless hours struggling through scanned in medical textbooks trying to figure out the missing link: why did I get sick in February '08 and not earlier? What set this whole thing off? Is there a natural remedy or something other than prednisone or cytoxan that I can take to keep my kidneys going strong?

And you know what I've discovered? Nothing. Well, not nothing. I've learned a helluva lot about the medical realm that I didn't know before. I've learned that paranoia takes on a whole new form when you're not supposed to get a fever or a cold and *gasp* your body temperature went up 2 degrees! Do we need to go back to the ER? I've learned that although it would be best if I avoided mixing my cornucopia of sleeping pills, pain killers and muscle relaxants, people survive if they don't wait the full 6 hours between each type of medicine. I've also learned that people who are addicted to my pills take one month's worth in a day. And somehow they're still alive to post about it on their message boards.

If I could take a vacation from my body I'd drive to a coffee shop or a bookstore and just sit and read a novel. Maybe I'd visit a friend, maybe not. Maybe I'd go see my girls, maybe not. Maybe I'd bring Zoe so we could go for a walk on the beach or at a park. Or not. The day is coming when I'll be able to make those choices again, when I'll be able to walk without the cane and without the fear that I'll be so tired once I get to wherever I'm going that I won't have the energy to get back. I won't be the same me as before. I don't want to be. The person I see in the mirror is certainly heavier than before, with a few stretch-mark battle scars, but I like her better than the girl I used to be. Each day I climb a new mountain, each day I face a new fear, but this girl, the one who made it through those first weeks with a smile and a song, is far stronger than the girl who thought that chronic illness was measured in days or weeks.