Pain

If I had to describe my pain right now, it would probably be aching in my lower back, with a few shoots whenever I move, and some stinging in my hands, because I’ve typed for far too long. My wrists and forearms are still sore from the Wii, so I don’t really count them in my pain inventory.

But my knees are okay. My stupid knees that made me feel so old are okay. I don’t want to jinx it, because they’ve been okay for awhile now (Two days, maybe 3?) with only a few twinges.

I’m so very afraid that the pain will come back. What a stupid fear. I have no control over my body’s response to the prednisone. Whenever a side effect subsides, my initial reaction is to worry about when it will come back, instead of rejoicing that I get a reprieve. I analyze what I did that made it flare, but get nothing for my trouble but a headache and a few hours spent searching medical tripe on the internet.

If I woke up tomorrow pain free, with the knowledge that the pain wasn’t coming back, I would ask my mom to take me driving around the valley. I crave my independence far more than I craved sodium a few months ago. I hate it that it’s this sporadic pain that keeps me from getting back to life. The weakness I can handle—if I rest, my strength comes back. But oh, the pain changes me from a person I genuinely like, to a selfish, self-centered prig who couldn’t care less about being an inconvenience or a burden. I feel like if the pain got bad while I was driving alone in town, my only response would be to pull into the nearest parking lot and sob until I could do the deep breathing exercises that are supposedly helpful. It terrifies me that I could be stranded at school or a coffee shop because driving while on my pain meds/muscle relaxants is a very bad idea, but driving in pain that makes my hands shake and my eyes want to squeeze shut is a much worse idea.

And maybe, the pain isn’t that bad. My nephrologists suggested that the pain was caused by depression which means that it’s all in my head. My PCP gave me a month’s supply of Soma (muscle relaxant) and enough Vicodin to keep Dr. House going for at least a day. Maybe I’m just a wuss now—and if I was a normal person I could handle it with Tylenol and a heat pad or ice pack.

Note to self: pain in wrists definitely real

I have a day in my head for when I’ll be completely off the prednisone, but I’m hoping that most of these side effects will be long gone by then. As it’s 12:40 and I’m not sleepy yet, I guess I should turn on the tube, take a sleeping pill and submit to the truth that restless energy and sleeplessness are still side effects I’m dealing with. (Dealing with fairly well, but still, dealing with them)