Jealousy

I hung out with the other Young Life leaders last night. Talking to a friend today, I admitted that I’m jealous of everyone who has gotten to do fun things or, well, anything the last 7 months. Jealousy is a new emotion for me. I’m really, really good at talking myself out of feelings. In the past, when I felt a twinge of envy over someone else’s relationship, stuff, experience, looks etc., I was always able to convince myself that I was okay because I had x, y, or z going for me. Those excuses don’t fly anymore. I find it almost impossible to tell an amusing story from the last 7 months because, well, unless you like medical stories, you won’t be amused. You might be interested, fascinated, even, but it’s not amusing. I’m the example of what everyone in their 20’s wants to avoid.

Sure, friends can get in motorcycle or skateboarding accidents and spend some time with medical personnel, but a weird, rare, difficult to explain yet debilitating illness is just scary. I’m sure I can be used as a reason why 20-somethings who don’t do extreme sports should have health insurance. But my friends don’t want to be reminded of that every time they see me. They have good, funny stories about houseboating, camp, dating, church and just, life. I have a scary knowledge of my favorite tv shows and the healthcare system.

I’d like to be pretty again
And self confident
I just want to be a different person than I am right now. 30 lbs lighter. 10x happier, twice as energetic, in 1/10th the pain. I’m just not I a place where I can figure anything out. I know it’s the right call to not be an active YL leader, but it’s hard. I feel purposeless. I’m having a hard time getting up in the morning because I can’t remember what I should be doing. I’m down, I’m tired, and I’m confused