My Dilemma

I think I should adopt a method of titling blogs like Scrubs or Friends episodes: I could begin every title with "my" or "the one with." Or I could stop watching so much tv.

Today is the first day of National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week 2008. The NICIA website says "It is sometimes a dilemma whether to make a point of "showing" your illness. You want to appear "normal" and to fit in, not stand out and be noticed. You also want people to recognize and understand your problems. Some people struggle with this. Should they use a cane and be noticed as sick, or avoid it and be misunderstood? How much do you let people know?"

Up to this point, anyone who has seen me has known that I've been ill. The cane and wheelchair made the point for me. I didn't get dirty looks for parking in a blue spot, and I didn't really have to discuss it. Most people seemed very uncomfortable asking what had happened, and I chose to believe that the people rudely staring in the grocery store assumed I was recovering from an extreme rock climbing or snow-shoeing accident.

But now, thankfully, I'm able to be up and about for anywhere between 2 and 8 hours a day.... without the cane. I went to a movie on Saturday and walked slowly up and down the stairs. Instead of encouraging "you can do it!" looks, I heard frustrated sighs as I clung to the railing. It's not PC to make fun of the disabled, but our hurried culture does not look kindly on those who move slowly. It seemed odd to leave my cane in the car at church on Sunday night, and I imagined people around me wondering why a seemingly healthy person needed to park up front, needed to sit down during the songs, needed to lean heavily on steady things in order to remain upright.

It finally happened. I'm invisible. I really do love it, because even though I'm still in pain, the good moments make me believe that the day will soon come when I don't have to worry about falling or getting too tired that I'm not sure I can drive home. I can't wait until I can go months or years without a Tylenol, much less the heavier stuff I've been on recently. It will be awesome to sleep through the night without medication. I have hope that someday I'll be back to "normal," but for millions of people around the world, the hope of "normal" lies in the hands of researchers for drug companies that have little motivation of finding a cure for the many invisible illnesses.


I've adopted a method of disclosure through facebook and my blog that, I hope, may help people communicate with those around them that struggle with disease, disorders, and chronic pain. I'll admit it, I used to be one of those impatient people who grew upset when people walked slow, and I can't remember if I shot dirty looks at seemingly healthy people leaving handicapped spaces, but due to my comparatively brief experiences in the world of illness, I don't think I'll ever look at people the same again.