Fear

I'm the first to admit it. I'm scared of getting my results back from tests. I typically get a test the first of the week and see my doctor on Friday, so I spend at least a week worrying. The weekend prior to the test I try to eat "extra" good so my cholesterol and triglycerides are better. The actual blood/urine test is fine, I get along quite well with the people at my hospital's outpatient center. I genuinely like both my primary care doctor and my nephrologist. But it's the days waiting to see a doctor. Will he discover something else is wrong? Will she prescribe something new with another side effect? Will the proteins go up? down? Is that swelling or just my imagination?

Friday is my first visit post-Prednisone. 6 months was plenty, thank you very much, and I know statistically I'm due for a relapse of my MCD about now, but I'm just wondering if, after enough visits or enough months without a relapse anyone can reach the point where they can walk into that office or see the doctor's number on the caller ID without being afraid.

You see, my dad gave a sermon on fear this last Sunday. It sparked family discussions and caused me (and hopefully some others in the church) to think about what we're really afraid of.

Anyone I've spoken with in the last few months has heard me talk about my newfound love and appreciation for Doctor Who. But there were some episodes (namely Blink) that scared me so much that I went online and read the episode synopsis before finishing it. I still got to see the incredibly creepy moments, but because I knew how the story ended, I wasn't terrified anymore.

What a joy it is to live my life knowing how the story ends. Sure, I'm worried about test results and when I'm going to finish at Pepperdine and if I'm EVER going to get a job, but I know how my story ends. It's very easy for me to get caught up in the day to day---my frustrations with my former physical therapist, my fear of the future--but my Redeemer lives. My hope is built on something more tangible than my tenuous health, more firm than my relationships or credibility as teacher. I've seen the end of my episode--and just like every episode of Doctor Who--where the Doctor saves the day in an unexpected way--I'l be okay.