Valleys Fill First

When I was a freshman in high school, my dear friend Austin sent me a cd for my birthday---all the way from Georgia. In so doing, he helped me learn to love Caedmon's Call, who produced a song in 2000 called "Valleys Fill First" that has been running through my head; especially the bridge that talks about the "long Saturday". The lyrics are posted below, but I thought I'd give a quick update as well.

I spent Monday through Wednesday at Mission Hospital, was pumped full of saline and potassium to balance out my electrolytes and make my dehydration go away. You see, there's this weird thing called post-ATN diuresis (ATN or Acute Tubular Necrosis was the damaged cells they found in my kidney biopsy that caused the ARF--or Acute Renal Failure that I had in the hospital--it happens every so often with Minimal Change Disease and I'm glad they caught and treated it when they did because well...I hadn't planned my funeral, and if I'm not going to live long enough to get married, I better have a super awesome funeral)

The post-ATN-diuresis basically means that my kidneys are confused, and even though I've been dehydrated, they're shooting out liquid as soon as it hits the kidneys, instead of putting most of it back into my blood. Because dehydration can cause even more kidney damage, and because no person should have to try and "keep up" with kidneys that are shooting out up to 7 liters of fluid, I returned to the hospital.

After the fluid kicked in I felt good for the first time in more than a month. Still very very weak, but I walked without dizziness or nausea. Apparently, what I assumed were side effects of the drugs were actually extreme dehydration and electrolyte imbalances. There were also some pretty nasty drug side effects, but I have chosen not to take the 2 that were causing severe muscle spasms and liver damage. Once my electrolytes were balanced and I stopped taking those drugs, I was able to stop taking pain killers and muscle relaxants, which will surely make those who had the opportunity to hear me "stoned" very pleased.

There's no getting around the fact that the last month has been a valley in my life. It's been hard, and I care about my friends and Young Life kids too much to gloss over that and pretend I have a giant religious band-aid to go over it. I'm used to finding my worth and security in pursuing excellence and serving others. But as even my health, my ability to think clearly and my strength have seemed to disappear, my identity remains. Even on the days when I looked in the mirror and had to laugh because it didn't even look like me, I am still a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend--and more than that, an adopted and loved child of a God who loves me enough He was willing to take the punishment for all the horrible things I've done, went through more pain than I have in the last month, and then after He died and pain my final price---he actually chose to come back so I would know and believe. That seems like identity enough for me.

I don't know what I'll be strong enough for tomorrow. I'm having to start making plans day by day instead of far into the future. The fact that I'm not on dialysis waiting for a transplant is a blessing. The fact that I'm growing in strength is a blessing. The fact that my family and closest friends have supported me--physically when I can't walk and emotionally when I can't handle it--is a huge blessing. This song pretty much covers all of my feelings-and it's much shorter than my long-winded description would be.

This is a valley
That I'm walking through
And it feels like forever
Since I've been close to You
My friends up above me
Don't understand why I struggle like I do
My shadow's my only, only companion
And at night he leaves too

Down in the valley, dying of thirst
I'm down in the valley
It seems that I'm at my worst
My consolation is that You baptized this earth
Well, down in the valley, valleys fill first

Down in this wasteland
I miss the mountaintop view
But it's here in this valley
That I'm surrounded by You
Though I'm not here by my will
It's where Your view is most clear
So I stay in this valley
If it takes 40 years

Down in the valley, dying of thirst
When I'm down in the valley
It seems that I'm at my worst
My consolation is that You baptized this earth
Well, down in the valley, valleys fill first

It's like that long Saturday
Between Your death and the rising day
When no one wrote a word
Wondered is this the end
But You were down there in the well
Saving those that fell
Bringing them to the mountain again

Though I'm down in the valley, dying of thirst
When I'm down in the valley
It seems that I'm at my worst
My consolation is that You baptized this earth
Well, down in the valley, valleys fill first

When You pour on Your water, valleys fill first

Thanks for your prayers and messages.