Stagnating?

Some days I long for a really good argument about eschatology or the finer points of sanctification. Every so often I contemplate pulling my dusty N.T. Wright commentaries off the shelf or looking something up in Augustine. At church I take copious notes, reveling in newfound understanding concerning the fruit of the spirit and ponder the implications of the nature of God as seen in Exodus. I plan to write about the brilliant epiphanies I experience while walking my dog through the fog or on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

Instead of the theological pursuits and arguments I love so much---getting to the hows and whys of our beliefs about God---I have spent the last year seeking to live out the simple love of a God I still don’t understand. When faced with arguments as holey as swiss cheese, I smile and bring the conversation back to the gracious gift of God. When faced with an opportunity to give grand advice to kids who would do well to learn from my mistakes, I hug them and pray for wisdom instead.

I don’t really know when it happened, but at some point in the past year I learned how to shut up and keep my hand down. I used to love coming up with a random historical or linguistic tidbit in class to make myself seem smart in class. Now, my conversations center around Kim Possible, Avatar, Harry Potter and Zach Efron (“he’s so dreamy”) and I’m okay with that. My kids think I’m brilliant when I use three-syllable words, they get confused that I keep showing up, keep loving them and keep them around despite my “grown-up stuff.”

Strangely, I don’t feel like I’m stagnating---me who feared stagnation more than anything else! Instead I feel like, well, like a tree planted by still waters---not stagnant waters, but waters so abundant that I know that even a drought won’t drain them. Although I’ve been reading classic literature all year, the last time I opened a theology book for the intent of serious study was the week before graduation. I feel like I’m living the knowledge I learned in school—and even though returning to a life of study sounds good, I feel so….useful