Appearances

I never considered myself to be vain. Heck, I've been one of those obviously-low-self-esteem-girls for as long as I remember. For a brief period in undergrad, (thanks to a well-developed gym habit and a trainer to help me get fit before Kristin's wedding) I was nearly as fit as I was in high school, but then, back in high school I thought I was hideous, so I guess that's entirely beside the point.

But well, it's harder to look at myself in the mirror these days. I definitely have the prednisone moon-face, which my excessive research informs me will disappear within months of discontinuing the drug. Allison and I laughed over the term "buffalo-hump" used to describe movement of fat deposits to the upper back. Her med-school books showed a very pronounced, Igor-like hump, but even my small increase in new inches is disconcerting. Stretch marks are one thing when you've produced a small human being over the course of 9 months, but another thing entirely when you gained the weight in 6 days and have nothing to show for it but, um, I'll get back to you on that. The weight gain stemming from the excessive appetite side-effect is annoying, but I weight-gain I can handle.

All those things are annoying and upsetting, but there's one thing that shows me just how vain I really was. My hair is falling out.

There. I said it. I've been joking about wigs ever since I got sick, claiming that I would buy a curly red Texas-Beauty-Queen style wig, but never really believing it would happen. When clumps started falling out and my hair brush filled up daily, I kept up the pretense, laughing when my sister offered me her mother-in-law's cancer-survivor wig. I smiled and said I was glad that thinner hair dried faster, and that I had such thick hair to start.

Don't get me wrong, I still have a good portion of my hair. It's only noticeably thinner when I put it up. As the hair continues to fall out, I lose a little bit more of my vanity, recognizing that this side-effect is almost as hard to deal with as the sleeplessness and joint pain, but also recognizing that my lack of sleep and constant pain make me considerably more vulnerable to feeling sorry for myself.

Hair loss is a relatively rare side effect of steroids---I was bracing myself for hair loss with the backup drugs of Cytoxan or Cyclophosphamide I want so badly for nothing to go wrong with my taper, so I can be rid of this drug that seems to be slowly poisoning my entire body. I reacted badly to my parked car being slammed into---the extra adrenaline made my entire hands shake and had Erin not rescued me, I probably would have screwed up the police report or tow truck stuff by my frenetic energy. That's not me. Or not the me I remember. This medication, this disease, have changed me into someone I don't recognize anymore.

The following is from the National Library of Medicine website. I have italicized those that I've experienced

Prednisone may cause side effects. Tell your doctor if any of these symptoms are severe or do not go away:

headache
dizziness
difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
inappropriate happiness
extreme changes in mood
changes in personality
bulging eyes
acne
thin, fragile skin
red or purple blotches or lines under the skin
slowed healing of cuts and bruises
increased hair growth
changes in the way fat is spread around the body
extreme tiredness
weak muscles
irregular or absent menstrual periods
decreased sexual desire
heartburn
increased sweating

Some side effects can be serious. If you experience any of the following symptoms, call your doctor immediately:

vision problems
eye pain, redness, or tearing
sore throat, fever, chills, cough, or other signs of infection
seizures
depression
loss of contact with reality
confusion
muscle twitching or tightening
shaking of the hands that you cannot control
numbness, burning, or tingling in the face, arms, legs, feet, or hands
upset stomach
vomiting
lightheadedness
irregular heartbeat
sudden weight gain
shortness of breath, especially during the night
dry, hacking cough
swelling or pain in the stomach
swelling of the eyes, face, lips, tongue, throat, arms, hands, feet, ankles, or lower legs
difficulty breathing or swallowing
rash
hives
itching

On a lighter note, I'm currently halfway through this semester (again) and think I'm actually going to finish it this time! Everyone around me, doctors, physical therapists, family, and close friends who have walked through this with me, have seen improvements. I'm to the point now that because I feel good SOMETIMES, I think I should get to feel good ALL the time.

I'm so blessed to be where I am now, and not where I was 3 1/2 months ago. Every once in awhile I have enough energy to drive myself, or to go to a movie or out to lunch with a friend. I have no idea if I'll be able to make it to even half of my obligations, but I'm trying my best, and working on not feeling guilty when I have to bail on people I care about.